"Hope doesn't come from what you can do. Hope comes from what God can do." -God is in the Tough Stuff
Reflecting back over the last year, I consider myself blessed. People tell me that I am an inspiration and they do not think they could go through all I have gone through...but they are wrong. You do what you have to do in order to survive; if you want it bad enough that is. When I am feeling at my worst I tend to think of those that are worse off then me and it puts a new perspective on things for me. I have a loving and supporting family. My husband has been absolutely wonderful. I feel like I am constantly complaining about not feeling well but he always finds a way to make me laugh or smile and tell me that everything is going to be all right. And I whole heartedly believe him. (even though some days I don't believe him so much!) ;) My children have been so helpful (ok, this is debatable! haha!) but their unconditional love and hugs mean the world to me. I hate not being able to partake in their many events, but I am looking forward to the day that I can cheer them on at the top of my new lungs from the sidelines! I have so many other family as well as friends that have been so wonderful to me in some way or another...whether it is a phone call to see how I am, a card in the mail, an email, a meal, and really just prayers that God will take care of me and heal me when the time is right.
"When we believe that God won't give us more than we can bear, we can bear much more than we thought possible." - God is in the Tough Stuff
I have my good days and my bad days (don't we all?!?) but it seems lately that the bad are outnumbering the good. It does scare me to be honest, but again, I have trust in God that things are the way they should be and He will take care of me. He has already proven this to me in many ways over the last year. My faith has grown stronger then ever and I am so happy to have Him to lean on. Doug and I started to attend a new church this last September and we have enjoyed getting to know everyone that attends and have made many friends there. We feel so comfortable within these walls of God and He has blessed us tremendously. Just when Doug and I feel down on our luck, God somehow gives us a boost. I've had many worries over the last year with having to quit not just one job, but two jobs because of my health. I've always been so used to being busy with everything and taking on anything just to stay busy. Well, I see my illness as a way of God telling me that I need to chill out and slow down. :) Not quite what I had in mind, but He is the one in charge. I worried about finances...how would we live on just 1 income when we were struggling with 3? How on Earth will we be able to pay for my many medical bills before, during, and after transplant? I had worried night after night about this, praying about it, crying about it because I felt like such a failure and a burden. Then I just "let it go". I'm not sure exactly when this transformation took place, but there was a sense of peace that had overcome me and I feel as though it is out of my control, I cannot worry about it and everything will work out as it should. We have had to cut corners, that was to be expected, but I feel like things are working out like they should.
I am so thankful for the kindness of others...that includes complete strangers. I never in my wildest dreams thought that we would have such random acts of kindness. Over the last week we have received donations of food and money. Doug and I have been totally floored by the willingness of those (most of whom we don't even know) to give to us in our time of need....especially when times are so tough with the economy the way that it is and right at Christmastime too. I feel so blessed; blessed beyond words! I've also learned that
"No matter how little you have, you're never broke if you have God. No matter how rich you are, you're living in poverty without Him." -God is in the Tough Stuff.
I go back to Cleveland on January 16. I will have the regular blood tests, lung function tests, and chest xray as well as another echocardiogram. I will see my pulmonologist, a rheumatologist and someone in infectious disease. I'm a little worried about the infectious disease appointment because of my "recent diagnosis" there...and what that will all entail. My body isn't producing antibodies and it looks as though the only treatment for this is to have infusions every 3-4 weeks to get those antibodies into my system. It is my understanding that this is yet another hurdle I have to overcome before I can be re-evaluated for transplant.
Thanks again to everyone for all of your love, prayers and support. Please know that no matter how big or small, everything is greatly appreciated. God is good! :)
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